New Recruits

Just last month Dire Skates officially voted on six new members (AB Fab Eddie, Bilbo Stabbins, Smack Widow, GOREgon, Jenocide, and a yet to be named teammate (who clearly needs to read this) though we had all been skating with the team for months. We all came in at different times, with different levels of ability and are still quite varied on our skating ability and gameplay, but here we are. Let me say this:

Joining roller derby can be complicated.

This is not to dissuade you from trying out!

Sean Bean wants you to try out. Will I be using Sean Bean often? The answer is yes. Emphatically, yes!

Every team has a different process for joining the respective team and sometimes actually JOINING is confusing. I am speaking only about my experience with Dire Skates, though you'll find that experiences with other teams are quite similar in this regard.

When you first tryout, you are called a "new recruit" (newbie) or "fresh meat," depending on the team--there are probably other terms, but these are the terms used here.

Be warned: searching Google images for "fresh meat" is less than appetizing.

There are certainly some negative connotations associated with the latter term, but it is a phrase commonly used in derby culture. And, honestly, after a good practice I definitely feel like a giant slab of meat that has been hung up and punched repeatedly. In a good way.

Being a new recruit means there is a sort of probationary period where you are invited to be on the team, but are not technically on the team.

During this time, the new recruits train and practice with the team. Some teams have a short training period or workshops with trainers from that derby team and then hold tryouts after (Naptown and Circle City do this--this seems to be a difference primarily between larger cities/teams vs. smaller cities/teams). Either way, there is time when you are sort of on the team and sort of not, or when you sort of play derby, but not exactly. Try explaining that quickly to someone.

Or you just receive blank stares.

Once the player has reached a certain physical level or has shown certain dedication to the team, and typically once they have passed all minimum skills requirements, (that list is seven pages long in case you didn't look. SEVEN. MINIMUM! GAH!) they are voted onto the team. One of those minimum skills is that we can do 27 laps in 5 minutes, by the way (this used to be 25), which feels insane.

Actually it feels something like this. Is that why Terahrizin wears cheetah print?!

At this point, once you are voted on, you are on the team and no longer a new recruit, though you may have been practicing with your new teammates for months prior. In this way, it is nice because you are all friends, sisters, and, now, teammates.

Not only is the phrase "new recruit" somewhat confusing, but shifting from this sort of complicating category of almost-derbyness (that's a real word, right?!) to an actual member of the team requires a great deal of work: sweat, tears, vomit, bruises, aches, pains, blood, and more sweat. You can celebrate this awesome feat by taking a nap, singing loudly despite protests from your derby sisters, or making someone rub your feet or whatever celebratory action you so choose.

So be sure to welcome all of us "new recruits" as we are newly shifting into our roles as teammates and be sure to look for the "Spotlight" features where you will be introduced to all of newbies.

--Bilbo Stabbins

Derby Stank

DJ Smear-O is a recidivist stinky gear offender

Derby is a rather sweaty sport. We sweat even when we are just standing around talking about our weeks and catching up with our derby sisters.

Add skating, jumping, weaving, jamming, blocking, falling, and whatever insane foot drills Emily KickNsum makes us do and we are sweating pretty dang hard by the time we are done.

We remove our sopping wet knee and elbow pads, wrist guards, and helmets and toss them into a bag. Some of us spray them with such fancy concoctions as Lysol (hey, it's pretty effective! And cheap!), though other girls have specialized sprays that get rid of bacteria and smell pretty good on top of that.

Toss all of that into the trunk of a vehicle and leave it there for a week. It's a science experiment. A stinky, stinky science experiment.

Dire Skates practice once a week during the off season and twice a week during the regular season, but even the 3-4 days has an impact.

Imagine bile plus garbage. Vomit in the hot sun. Poisonous Fritos (I stole this last descriptor from the linked blog below. It's too good not to re-use!).

This is what derby stank smells like.

This bacteria-laden gear is removed form said bag and the rancid scent wafts straight to the noses of nearby teammates.

"Ooh, my gear stinks today!"

We know, sister. We know.

The smell of sweat during a workout is fine. It's expected, but the smell of derby stank can reach such unbearable b.o. levels, that it can clear a room (ask Klept-O about that).

There are certain ways to go about cleaning one's gear as outlined here, but the derby stank is an inevitable part of roller derby.

This is just to warn you: if you can smell us before you see us, run. Run far away.