April Skater of the Month: Maniac Jack

Maniac Jack has been with the Dire Skates since the beginning! A blocker, and jammer, Maniac is a powerful force on the track.

I mean, have you seen her skate?

And those shoulders?!

Maniac skates hard and hits harder, not only using herself to hit our opponents, but even throwing her teammates at the other players. No one forgets the first time they get hit by Maniac Jack.

Maniac easily gets her head into the game and works to ensure her teammates are focused alongside her. Though she is also well-known for stacking up penalties--the "jack in the box" is a common sight at our games. Even then she still has a smile on her face!

Maniac is a powerful asset to our team, not only because of her abilities, but because she is an amazing derby sister. She even tried to retire after last season, but we would not let her because we just love her too much!


Coach, The GolfFather, had this to say about Maniac:

What an amazing person Maniac Jack is. She is hard working, busy mom of two very active and athletic kids. Jack is very athletic herself and a very good skater. She has played anywhere we have put her on the track. Blocker, no problem, Pivot, sure, Jammer, "are you sure?", “Yes, Jack, go jam and score some points.” She is most famous probably for Hurtz McGroin’s saying “Jack in the Box” everytime she gets a penalty. Wonder if they would sponsor our penalty box?
She almost retired after last season and I am glad we had all those fans in supporting the “one more year.” I am glad that she is back for 2015 and hopefully beyond. What do you say, Jack?
I have known jack for about 4.5 years now and I am honored to coach a great player, teammate, mom, person, but most of all a great friend!

DJ SMear-O added this:

I love Maniac's glorious powerful ass. It knocks everyone around. It clears holes for me on the track. It looks perfect and round and strong in her shorts. I catch myself in a Maniac Jack booty trance. She may not like her fabulous bottom, but that beautiful badass babe has been busting her bodacious buns for me and everyone else on this team since we became a team. She is a bounty of butt and a force to be reckoned with. I love Maniac Jack. Skating with her has and always will be a pleasure.

RollHer Zombie had this to say about her derby sister:

Maniac Jack, 765, homegrown crazy. I remember drinking wine in her kitchen many moons ago and trying to come up with her tag line. That is just one of many great times we have shared since the very start of the team. Besides my other wife, CA is probably who I have played derby with the most since the team started. I am lucky to not only call her my sister, but one of my dearest, closest friends, who has been there for me through my darkest moments. Manic and I both can say derby saved our souls; Not only for the physical outlet and chance to break down barriers that society puts females in, but the true friendship and love that comes from such an amazing dynamic of women. Some people are reluctant to get to know her, because I think they are intimidated by those big shoulders, lethal hips, and sometimes big mouth. ;) I know under that awesomely brutal persona and seemingly effortless derby ability, she is quite simply amazing. I know she has thought of retirement, but honestly I can't imagine our team without her and I am not looking forward to that day. Mad love for you Maniac.
<3 RollHer Zombie

Maniac Jack photo gallery:

Thanks for all you do, Maniac!

March Skater of the Month: Emily KickNsuM

Emily is a Dire Skates Original; she joined when the team started five years ago! She has been blocking and jamming for the Dire Skates since the beginning. Emily is a naturally good skater and is, as anyone who has watched her knows, wonderful to watch on the track.

Emily's team job is bout-coordinator, meaning she coordinates getting everything planned, reserved, and prepared for bout day. Emily is also a trainer (alongside her derby wife RollHer Zombie), meaning she helps to teach new skaters skating and derby basics, but also helps the other vets hone their skills.

Emily welcomes dedicated players with open arms, helping them learn, but also showing them what to strive for. In addition to her derby skills, Emily is a joy to be around.

Our coach, The GolfFather, had this to say:

"Emily KickNsum grew up a rink rat and put her work as a skater into that of a derby girl. She has a very demanding job as an ER nurse and I think relieves and lets go of all that on the derby track. Emily is a triple threat on the track. She is a great jammer even though she doesn’t like to. She is a ultimate blocker that can keep girls contained for a long time and as a pivot is a big leader on the track. Emily has done a lot off the track as well behind the scenes. She has done fundraising events, handled getting NSO’s, getting everything set with the different venues that we have used for games. She has been a leader on and off the track and has scaled back her responsibilities from the past few years but that doesn’t mean she is any less important to this team. I am glad that I can coach her and more importantly call her a great friend."

Fellow skater, DJ SMear-O, said this:

"She's been dedicated to this team since it's inception. She's part of coaching and training and teaches us all so much. She encourages and inspires and smells awful. She helps put bouts together. She's always got a silly attitude. Stupid, ugly, happy holiday sweaters...she's known for those. She's fun. She's kickass and one of our founding sisters. She's got more skating ability in her pinky toe than I could ever dream to have. And "hot" doesn't begin to cover it. She's amazeballs. And I'm glad she's my sister from another mister...and missus :)"

Emily's little derby sister, Terahrizen, had this to say:

"When I tried out for the team I remember looking around at all the vets and wondering which one would be my "Big". Emily walked in late and I think it was really nice to see her in street clothes because it made her "real". The other girls were all geared up and going drills and that was both amazing and terrifying. Emily talked to me very briefly and it was very calming to be approached by Emily Talbot rather than Emily KickNsum. When I got the call that she actually would be my Big, I was very happy. I learned that she was practically born with skates on her feet and was one of Dire's best players. I had to step it up and make my sister proud!

Emily is very dedicated to the sport and her team mates despite what may be going on in her life outside of derby. I respect that about her. I appreciate the quiet encouragement and the over all support she has given me. The first time I ever went to the gym, Emily invited me to go to some insanely difficult class, it was probably called something like "do burpees and core work until you die." I didn't realize it at the time, but I really needed the gym to improve my game. I am absolutely proud to call her my sister and watching her skate is definitely one of my favorite things. Skating along side her is even better. If I'm jamming, I know she's got my back and I'm not worried how big the other team is or how good they are. I also love her attitude about games, she constantly says "I'm having fun. Lets just worry about having fun and staying together!" I think a lot of new skaters look up to her, while we can't all be born on skates the way Emily was, we all admire her drive and natural ability. She has been really tough on me as her little, and I have a long way to go, but I wouldn't be where I am today without her!"

Emily's derby wife, RollHer Zombie had this to say:

"My beautiful wife, man where do I even start. A heart as big as the hits she doles out on the track. Equal parts beauty and Braun. I absolutely love watching her skate and play the game, almost as much as I love sharing the track with her. Emily being so much younger than me, I use her to gauge my own performance, she definitely keeps me on my toes and pushing.  She is a bulldog on wheels and I have nothing but respect and love for her, quit isn't in her vocabulary.  We have both grown up skating and we love it.  Derby gives us that outlet to bring it to that next level. I look forward to many more years on the track with her by my side.  Love your face off Em!
<3 RollHer Zombie"

 Emily KickNsum photo gallery:

Thanks for all you do, Em!

October Skater of the Month: RollHer Zombie

Gina, or as she is known to us, RollHer Zombie, is both a blocker and jammer for the Dire Skates.  Gina is one of the founding members of the team and her dedication has held strong over the years. Her dedication is most evident in her ability to motivate her teammates to push themselves to do their very best.

On the track Zombie is a powerful and valuable player, a crowd favorite. Off the track, Gina is in charge of our finances, which means she keeps track of money spent for bouts, our skater dues, taxes, merchandise, and our donations to local charities and organizations. In addition to this, she is a trainer, which means she works hard to whip us into shape, leading workout sessions outside of practice, off-skates practices, and often leading or joining in on trail skates.

Additionally, Gina can always be counted on to listen and support her derby sisters. Gina is a considerate friend and teammate who often puts others and her team before herself.



Assistant Coach, Mr. BadAZZ had this to say:

Zombie is a big part of Dire Skates. She is a trainer, handles financing, and is a lot of help with the team merchandise. She also gives me a helping hand when Coach can't make to practice. She helps me by running drills and conditioning for the team. She hits hard and skates fast. Thanks for all you do, Gina.

Goregon says of RollHer Zombie:

Gina is a natural leader who gets results when leading the team in drills, exercise, and on the track. She's also a tireless worker, balancing the books and monitoring our team accounts. It doesn't hurt that she's got an amazing personality.

DJ Smear-O had this to say:

Gina has been totally dedicated to this team since its inception. I look up to her in mad ways. She's awesome on wheels and a rocking chick with a tender heart. She's a sister and friend to me as well as a tough as nails trainer who whips my saggy, floppy ass into shape

Emily KickNsuM added this mushy bit about her derby wife:

Gina has always been one of my biggest rivals on the track, even though we are on the same team. The Dire Skates used to host scrimmages against each other and we were always on opposite teams and it felt like jammed against each other over and over. Even though pinned against each other some how we fell in love, or I did anyway. That’s how I found what we call a derby wife. She is that person on the team that pushes me harder at practice; we see eye to eye on most team decisions, but most importantly she has became someone I can call for anything. It's something I love about derby because I found a great friend that I believe will be a friend beyond derby careers and crazy life changes, someone that I don’t think I would have ever became friends with if not for roller derby. "Roller Derby saved my soul," is a quote used often… but its not just roller derby the sport that saved my soul its skaters on the team like RollHer Zombie that saved my soul.

 Thank you for all you do, Gina!

April Skater of the Month: DJ Smear-O

DJ Smear-O, or Jessica Leigh as she is also known, is a jammer and blocker for the Dire Skates who has been with the team for three years. Since her first bout in October 2011, Smear-O has been a strong player, but she also has a strong, outgoing personality. Her tiny frame packs a punch and if she hits you, you'll feel (and see) the results for quite some time afterward. Smear-O communicates with us constantly while on the track, helping us become better players and boosting morale with her antics. She also helps with marketing and makes super-rad radio spots for the team while also helping get us bout-ready in many other ways. In addition to her skill as a player, Smear-O's sense of humor and personality are a big part of what makes her a unique and valuable member of our team. At any given practice (in addition to bruises) we get poop jokes, Star Wars references, and I am pretty sure she never stops talking about food.

Smear-O also has an adorable family. Look at that face--and she isn't even the cutest one of the bunch! But really beyond derby, Smear-O is dedicated to her family. This dedication spills over into her derby family as seen in her passion for the game and for her derby sisters.


Here is what our coach, The Golffather, had to say about Smear-O:

"Jess, or Smear-O as we all know her, has become a versatile player on the team. She  was mostly a jammer when I started but has become a double threat with her blocking abilities. She is a fun player to coach and is always wanting to learn; sometimes she might not like what I have to say, but she takes it in stride and grows with it. She is amazing with what she does behind the scenes as well that no one sees except us with the team. Being a radio DJ she is a great communicator and every team needs a few of those. She is a great family person and I for one am glad the she is part of this derby family."

GOREgon also had this to say:

The first time I met DJ Smear-O was when I, as a fresh meat skater, went to the team photoshoot. She had on these crazy awesome custom made Chuck Taylors that had her derby name embroidered on them and were in the team colors. She was also really, really funny and warm. Since then, I have really loved being around her and learning things from her as well as building camaraderie with her."

Dave Snow, aka Dire Skates team announcer Hurtz McGroin, added this:

Jessica A.K.A. DJ Smear-O is a lot of fight in a small package. There is an old saying that applies very well to her. It says: "Never measure your opponent by their size, their strength, or their speed. Only measure your opponent by the opposition it takes to discourage them." She will never back down or give up. Actually, she somehow takes a big challenge, and turns it into motivation. Her best weapon is that smile. If you fall for that, you're already dead (you just don't know it yet.)

Thank you for all you do, Smear-O!

Derby love!

Spotlight: Bilbo Stabbins

Name: Bilbo Stabbins

Number: 42 (The answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe, and everything!)

Position: blocker

Tell us about your non-derby self: I am a married mother of two. I am an English professor. I enjoy renaissance festivals, zombies, reading, crafts, and naps.

Were you a fan of the Dire Skates before joining?: YES! I loved coming to the games and one day I just said “I have to do this.”

Why did you join roller derby?: I wanted to be a part of something that seemed really fun. Derby is accepting of all types of women and it empowers them to be the best version of themselves. We need more of that in the world.

What is your favorite part of roller derby?: It’s great exercise, the other women are amazing and inspiring, and it’s really just fun to skate around and knock over people.

What are your roller derby goals?: I hope to become stronger and more agile so I can be a good asset to the team. I also hope I can become a better player who inspires others to come play derby!

What do you hope Dire Skates can do for Richmond?: I hope the Dire Skates can inspire young women and young people to get active physically, to get proactive about achieving his or her personal goals (even if they are not derby-related), and to get active in the community.

What are you skating on right now?: I am on Riedell Rogues, with Atom Poison Wheels (for Townsend) or Fugitives (for The Skate) and Reds bearings.

If you could skate anywhere, anytime, where and when would it be and why?: Most of the places I would like to visit don’t have the terrain to allow for skating, but it would be pretty fun to skate around in The Colosseum or around the halls of the White House. Ooh, wait, the Overlook Hotel in The Shining, Buckingham Palace…I am indecisive. Everywhere. That’s my answer.

If you could have any famous person alive or dead join Dire Skates, who would it be and why?: Amanda Palmer, Melissa McCarthy, Pink, Tina Fey…basically any fun and/or smart woman, including some friends who I hope join in the future. I want to sweat all over my favorite women.

Tell us one thing you want us to know about yourself: I like to dance, but only in kitchens.

Tell us one thing about another skater: Terahrizin is an amazing motivator especially when she is singing Olivia Newton-John, DJ Smear-O has knives for bones, and Dragon Balllzy is so hot, but it’s a trick! She is strong and fast and will knock you over, cracking your tailbone, and leaving you in the dust. Brutal.

"Name thyself!": Choosing a Derby Name

Roller Derby names are fun. Consider names such as Suzy Hotrod and Bonnie Thunder from Gotham or Maiden America and Dora the Destroyer from one of our Hoosier teams Naptown. These names are fun, pun-filled, sexy, strong, violent, or sometimes obscene. They can be almost anything a skater wants them to be, but finding the right name can take some time.

A week in and I've used roller derby otter twice--get over it!

If you are thinking of joining roller derby, one of the first things you often do is start thinking of a name (which is fine, though I suggest you also start a workout regimen!), but know that there are some rules. Don't pick a name already taken by another skater. Here is the master list of names--be warned: it's a crazy long list! Here is a handy guide to take you through some of the other guidelines. 

But more importantly, you must choose a name you like. This can be many different things. You might like the sound of it, it might sound like your current name (Terahrizin or Jenocide), it might reflect your day job (DJ Smear-O djs, classdisnissed teaches, BadAZZ Mothercutter cuts hair and is a bada**) or it might reflect just how geeky you are (Dragon Ballzy and myself, Bilbo Stabbins). Others reflect interests or are just fun!

And sometimes they simply make no sense.

No matter what your derby name, don't rush the process and make sure YOU like the name you choose. You are basically naming (and creating) your alter ego so get creative and have fun!

Are you considering playing or reffing for derby? If so, what names are you considering?
Let us know!

--Bilbo Stabbins

Derby Stank

DJ Smear-O is a recidivist stinky gear offender

Derby is a rather sweaty sport. We sweat even when we are just standing around talking about our weeks and catching up with our derby sisters.

Add skating, jumping, weaving, jamming, blocking, falling, and whatever insane foot drills Emily KickNsum makes us do and we are sweating pretty dang hard by the time we are done.

We remove our sopping wet knee and elbow pads, wrist guards, and helmets and toss them into a bag. Some of us spray them with such fancy concoctions as Lysol (hey, it's pretty effective! And cheap!), though other girls have specialized sprays that get rid of bacteria and smell pretty good on top of that.

Toss all of that into the trunk of a vehicle and leave it there for a week. It's a science experiment. A stinky, stinky science experiment.

Dire Skates practice once a week during the off season and twice a week during the regular season, but even the 3-4 days has an impact.

Imagine bile plus garbage. Vomit in the hot sun. Poisonous Fritos (I stole this last descriptor from the linked blog below. It's too good not to re-use!).

This is what derby stank smells like.

This bacteria-laden gear is removed form said bag and the rancid scent wafts straight to the noses of nearby teammates.

"Ooh, my gear stinks today!"

We know, sister. We know.

The smell of sweat during a workout is fine. It's expected, but the smell of derby stank can reach such unbearable b.o. levels, that it can clear a room (ask Klept-O about that).

There are certain ways to go about cleaning one's gear as outlined here, but the derby stank is an inevitable part of roller derby.

This is just to warn you: if you can smell us before you see us, run. Run far away.